Jokes 
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How
many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
Who wants to know?
How
many software people does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware
problem.
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What
do you call a baby kangaroo who does nothing but watch television?
A
pouch potato.
What
do you get if you cross a dog with a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
Customer:
Why do you call these "metric cookies"?
Baker:
They're gram crackers.
One
day, two fathers and two sons went fishing.
Each caught a fish, but only three
fish were caught.
Why is that?
Because there were only three fishermen--a
boy, his father, and his grandfather.
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Three
people die: a doctor, a school teacher, and the head of a large HMO.
At the
pearly gates, St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'What did you do on Earth?'
The
Doctor replied,' I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for
free. '
St. Peter told the Doctor, 'You may go in.'
St.
Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, 'I taught educationally
challenged children.'
St. Peter then told her 'You may go in.'
St.
Peter asked the third man, 'What did you do?' The man hung his head and replied,
'I ran a large HMO.'
To which St. Peter replied, 'You may go in, but you
can only stay 3 days.'
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Finally something that makes sense!
For description of materials and how to build it, please refer to Genesis 6:14-16.
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Two little boys, ages
8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They
were always getting into trouble
and their parents knew all about it.
If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably
involved.
The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in
disciplining
children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the
mother
sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to
see the preacher
in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down
and
asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there
wide-eyed
with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is
God?"
Again,
the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more
and shook his finger in the
boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?"
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove
into
his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What
happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble
this time,"
"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"
-----------------------------------------
From a little book
called "Disorder in the Court."
Things people actually said in
court, word for word.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteen.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
---------------------------------------------------
Q:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: This myasthenia gravis,
does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it
affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example
of something that you've forgotten?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five,
I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five
years.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: And where
was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And
where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before
the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Trooper, when you stopped
the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did
the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q:
What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't
know about
it until the next morning?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Did he kill you?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A:
None.
Q: Were there any girls?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these
stairs, did they go up also?
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I
went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose
death was it terminated?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had
a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which
I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies
have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: All your
responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started
around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he
was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A:
No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for
breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient
have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law somewhere.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas
and the navel.
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Scientists
have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although
measurable distance
from the earth every year.
If
you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the
moon was
orbiting the earth at a distance about 35 feet from the
earth's surface.
This
would explain the death of the dinosaurs - the tallest ones,
anyway.
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Get Out of The Car!
(This is a true account recorded in
the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida.)
An elderly
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They
got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load
her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She
was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried
and tried, and then it dawned on her why. For the same reason
she did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs in
the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five
spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't
stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale
men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed. Moral of the story?
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.
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3-year-old: "Our Father, Who art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."
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A
little boy was overheard praying: Lord, if you can't make me a better boy,
don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like
I am."
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A
Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary".
The teacher then asked, "Who knows
what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The
kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."
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After
the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way
home
in the back seat of the car. His Father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in
a Christian
home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
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I
had been teaching my three-year-old daughter the Lord's Prayer for several
evenings at bedtime. She would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally,
she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each
word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation,"
she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail."
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One
particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets
as
we forgive whose who put trash in our baskets.
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A
Sunday School teacher asked her children, as they were
on the way
to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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A
mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old
daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I
wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you
hear mommy say," the mother answered. The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these peope
to dinner?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A
man was at a restaurant, and he asks the waitress, "Excuse me, is
this tea or coffee?"
The waitress, giving him a double take asked, "What
does it taste like?"
The man responds with disgust, "It tastes like
turpentine!"
The waitress answered, "Oh, that's our coffee, our
tea tastes like transmission fluid!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"The
early bird gets the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
What did one math book say to the other math book?
A. I've got problems....
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A
school teacher was arrested at
for attempting to board
a flight while in possession
of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical
calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al Gebra
movement.
He has been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A
friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher
was
standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend
by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to
join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the
Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't
see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm
in the secret service.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed
in white?" "Because white is the
color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life." The
child thought about this for a moment, then said,
"So why is the groom
wearing black?"
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was
running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late
for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't
let me be late!"
While she was running and praying,
she tripped on a curb and fell, getting
her clothes
dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed
herself off,
and started running again. As she ran
she once again began to pray, "Dear
Lord, please
don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"
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Three
boys are in the school yard bragging about their
fathers. The first boy says,
"My Dad scribbles a few
words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they
give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles
a few words on
a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they
give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles
a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and
it takes eight people to collect
all the money!"
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An
elderly woman died last month. Having never married,
she requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten
instructions for her memorial service, she
wrote, "They
wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them
to take me out when I'm dead.
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A
police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would
you do if you had
to arrest your own mother?" He said,
"Call for backup."
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A
Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph
and Mary took Jesus with
them to
child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing
the Ten
Commandments with her five and six year olds. After
explaining
the commandment to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that
teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered,
"Thou
shall not kill."
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At
Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human
beings. Little Johnny
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve
was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week
his mother noticed
him lying down as though he were ill,
and said, "Johnny, what is the
matter?" Little Johnny
responded, "I have pain in my side. I think
I'm going to
have a wife."
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Two
boys were walking home from Sunday school after
hearing a strong preaching
on the devil. One said to the
other, "What do you think about all this
Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
turned out. It's probably just your Dad.
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Q.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A. A stick.
Q.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
A. Subordinate Clauses
Q.
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
A. Right where you left him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Q.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A. Sanka
Q.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A. Unique up on it.
Q.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
A. They take the Psycho Path.
Q.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A. Nacho cheese.
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Q:
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
A: Frostbite.
Q:
What do you call 4 bullfighters in quicksand?
A. Quatro
sink-o.
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Q: Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own?
A: It was two-tired.
Q:
What is the major cause of baldness?
A: Lack of hair.
Q:What happened to the butcher when he bumped against his
meat grinder?
A: He got a little behind in his work.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
For
a while she had a boyfriend with a wooden leg,
but then she broke it off.
Why do bees hum? Because they don't know the words.
How do you make a coat last? Make the trousers first.
Why did the one-handed man cross the road? To get to the second-hand shop.
What
goes zubb-zubb? A bee flying backwards.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
"How
did your exams go?"
---"I nearly got a hundred in every subject."
"How do you mean, nearly a hundred?"
---"Well, I got all the
zeros."
Rabbits can multiply, but only a snake can be an adder.
Did
you hear about the boy who does bird impressions?
He eats worms....
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was boasting about the number of fish he had caught in a lake. "Mind you," he said, 'they were biting easily. Why, I had to hide behind a tree to bait my hook!"
MAN
AT AUCTION: "I've bid a great deal of money for this parrot. Are you sure
he talks?"
AUCTIONEER: " 'Course I'm sure. He's been bidding against
you!"
"I
like your new dog. Is he clever?"
---"I'll say! When I say to him,
'Are you coming for a walk or aren't you?' he either comes or he doesn't!"
"Did
you take my advice about your insomnia? Did you count sheep?"
---"Yes,
I did, doctor. I counted up to 482,354."
"And did you fall asleep?"
---"No...it was time to get up!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While
working on a lesson in world religions, a kindergarten
teacher asked her students
to bring something related to their
family's faith to class.
At
the appropriate time she asked the students to come
forward and share with
the rest of the students.
The first child said, "I am Muslim and this is my prayer rug."
The
second child said, "I am Jewish and this is my Star of
David."
The third child said, "I am Catholic and this is my rosary."
The
final child said, "I am Southern Baptist and this is my
casserole dish."
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He: By the way, do you remember the time I made such an idiot out of myself?
She: Which time?
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My husband and I like the same things but it took him 16 years to learn.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man appeared at a newspaper office to place an ad offering $1,000 reward for the return of his wife’s pet cat. “That’s an awful price to pay for a cat,” said the clerk, “Not this one,” replied the man. “I drowned it.”
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher
quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said...
"I
don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades....
somebody is going to get a spanking...."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My father, an Air Force Academy graduate, still retains a strict military code of ethics as well as quick wit.
One
day I mentioned that I was thinking about getting my bellybutton pierced."Now
way!" my father fired back. "This is an Air Force family-no naval destroyers
are allowed!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After
explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked,
"Suppose I asked
you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north
latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"
After a
confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adam came home in the wee hours of the morning, and Eve was suspicious."
Is there some one else?" she demanded. "Of course not, darling,"
Adam reasoned with her. "In all of creation, there's no other woman but you."
Mollified, Eve snuggled up to him. But after he fell asleep, she very carefully
counted his ribs.
-contributed
by Reader's Digest and Bill Sroka
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the dog.
What did the hippie say to the doctor? What's up doc.
How
do you know when a crocodile is going to charge? When he shows his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do dogs always take on camping trips? Pup tents
What do you get when you cross a sheep dog and a bunch of roses? A collieflower.
Why did the chicken cross the road by the playground? To get to the other slide.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman was driving along in her VW Beetle when the motor sputtered. She pulled to the side of the road, got out, and looked under the hood.
Several minutes later another woman stopped her car (also a VW Beetle) and asked if she could be of help. The perplexed owner looked from under the hood and said, "it seems as though I don't have a motor."
The second woman politely answered, "That's okay, I've got an extra one in the trunk you can have."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pastor, already having preached about an hour, noticed one of his members sleeping. Embarrassed, he motioned for an usher. The usher located the sleeping man and, taking a long stick, gently tapped him. The man snored on. The usher tapped him again, but a little firmer. The man continued to enjoy slumber.
By this time, the usher's face was red with embarrassement, and it was then that he soundly whacked the gentleman's head. The man slumped from the pew and onto the floor. Thinking he had really injured the man, the usher knelt at his side only to hear him mutter, "Hit me again. I can still hear him."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.
As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" [Turn from your sin]
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar,"Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an axe and two 38s!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon newpapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous tasted of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged hand, withered and shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW CHURCH BULLETIN BLOOPERS
Ladies,
don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of
those things
not worth keeping around the house.
Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
Smile
at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
The
peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.
The
sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water
... The sermon tonight: Searching
for Jesus.
Next
Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they
can get.
Next
Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service.
The pastor will
then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
The
agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved...the financial
secretary gave
a grief report.
Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.
The
'Over 60s Choir' will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of
the entire
church.
Missionary
from Africa speaking at
hear Bertha Belch all the way from
Announcement
in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting
Conference: "The
cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference
includes Meals.
"Miss
Charlene Mason sang, "I Will Not Pass This Way Again," giving
obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
Low
Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.
Please use
the back door.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
As
a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering,
he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on Interstate 90. Please
be careful!"
"Helen," said Herman, "It's not just one
car. It's hundreds of them!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A
mother was preparing pancakes for her two young sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The
boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw this
as an
opportunity for a moral lesson. "Kids, if Jesus were sitting here,
he would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin thought for a moment and then turned to his younger brother, "Ryan,
you pretend to be Jesus!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
The
minister of a small chuch believed some practical joker was joshing as I.O.U.s began to appear in the collection plate. But one Sunday
night weeks later, the collection included an envelope containing bills equal
to the total of the I.O.U.s.
After that, the parson
could hardly wait to see what amount the anonymous donor had promised. The range
in contributions was from five to fifteen dollars, apparently based on what the
donor thought the sermon to be worth. One Sunday the collection plate brought
a note reading, "U.O.Me $5."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A
guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust
and
he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides
to ask
God for help. He begins to pray...
"God,
please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money,
I'm going
to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto".
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God,
please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm
going
to lose my car as well".
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My
God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and
my car.
My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help
and I have
always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the
lotto this one
time so I can get my life back in order ... "
Suddenly
there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is
confronted
by the voice of GOD himself:
"Joe, meet me half way on this one...Buy a ticket!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late
one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed
through the living room but froze in his tracks when he heard
a loud voice
say, "Jesus is watching you."
Frantically,
he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage
and in the
cage was a parrot. "Was that you who said Jesus is watching
me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then asked, "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's
a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named
you Clarence?"
"The same idiot who named the Rottweiller, Jesus."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
1.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess
looks at them and says: "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only
one carrion allowed
per passenger.
2.
Two boll weevils grew up in
cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally,
became known as the lesser
of two weevils.
3.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a
fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat
it, too.
4.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides
up to the
bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my
paw."
5.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during the
root canal?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the
manager came out of his office and asked
them to disperse. But why? they asked,
as they moved off. Because,
he said, I can't stand chess nuts boasting in
an open foyer.
7.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family
in
family in
picture of himself to his birth
mother. Upon receiving the picture,
she tells her husband that she wishes
she also had a picture of
Ahmal. Her husband responds,
They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
you've seen Ahmal.
8.
These friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small
florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the
men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back
and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired
Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug
in town to persuade them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store,saying he'd be back
if they didn't close up
shop.Terrified, they did so, thereby proving
that
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced
an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which
made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
This made him . what? A super callused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10.
And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends,
with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh.Unfortunately,
no pun in ten did.
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1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France which resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.